Then I'm a shitty mother?

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Then I'm a shitty mother?
Then I'm a shitty mother?

Plowing goes on not only on the playground, kindergarten and school, but also on social media. If, as parents, we criticize, educate, and shame each other, our children will drink the juice

If you thought that social media itself was common knowledge, that learning from online conversations about parenting would make you a better parent, take a closer look at these types of comments.

I would never stuff my child with artificial crap like that. Cute, but if I were you, I would definitely not leave it in the sun.

But you don't even have to go to Facebook for that, there are the looks of other parents as you dress your child in kindergarten, and of course there are the grandparents, who also know much better what their grandchild needs than you.

In weather like this, don't we need a cap for that child?

In the barrage of eye rolls, comments and unsolicited advice, sometimes you yourself become unsure and anxious. Or you'll get angry and lash out at someone. There is no big difference. Feeling like an unsuitable, incompetent, bad parent is not an uplifting feeling, but it also does more harm than good to the child.

You don't let me make mistakes

One of the most common problems is that someone who is regularly criticized, who is repeatedly criticized in his role as a parent, will be much more afraid of the child's failures than those who live in a supportive atmosphere. For them, the child's mistakes, bad grades at school, abandoned things, and pranks speak directly about what kind of parents they are. In other words, they do not see in these swings appropriate to the age of the child, but rather evidence that they are really doing something wrong.

So the child must be perfect. Not for the child to be perfect, but for them as parents to appear perfect. To be able to say that my child knows, that my child is competent, that my child will become a successful adult. In this case, the child is not a child, in this case the child is the measure of educational success. A result that can be shown. It is not, of course, that the parent is making a mistake by setting boundaries and setting expectations. It is about the fact that if the parent is frightened by the child's mistakes, if he feels attacked, if he sees the ominous warnings of others come true, he will not be able to help the child to take the developmental steps that are appropriate for his age and that are expected of him.

The real difficulties behind the symptoms, that for example the child is "bad" because he needs more exercise, will not be visible either. After all, the parent only pays attention to the symptoms. There are those who prefer to do it for him in this case, since it is less of a problem that the child cannot put on his jacket by himself at the age of seven, than if others see that he is (at first) clumsily trying it on. There are those who vote for strictness and force the child to achieve excellent academic results without introducing him to why what is being discussed at school can be interesting. In the same way, nagging (Bezzeg a Karcsika!), passive-aggression (See what kind of situation you've put me in?), taunting (I already spoke seven languages at the age of six!) and pointing at each other (You're as stupid as your mother/father!) don't help either. he althy development of the child.

shutterstock 363525575
shutterstock 363525575

You dare not make mistakes

The basis of development in any case is to see where we are as clearly as possible. Any effort to improve can only start from the point where a person gets to know himself and forms a realistic picture of what his shortcomings are, what his strengths are, how far he has come up to the moment in which he wants to improve.

He who pretends to be there right from the start gets nowhere. Thus, if, as a result of regular criticism and doubt, we constantly try to appear better than we really are, we prevent ourselves from becoming better parents. If someone easily realizes that he made a mistake as a parent, he can also learn from it. And the chance of this is much greater if it is not constantly hovering over your head, lest the other parent, the Facebook commenter or your own parents end up being right.

You don't see your values clearly

Similarly to the previous ones, the appearance of protection against external criticism, the appearance of the perfect child, perfect parent, perfect family also works against building on real strengths and solving real problems during education. And this applies to parents just as much as it does to children. Everyone is a good parent in a different way, everyone can be particularly good at something else, and can really help and support the child in other ways.

Seeing all the perfect families on social media, hearing all the perfect parents in the most different arenas of life creates an environment in which it is much more difficult to believe in our own values. After all, they are better at everything. They know everything better. What if they are right? However, successful adults do not come from perfect families, but rather from parents who can consistently stay true to their own values and raise the next generation along those lines.

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