Can we fight in front of the child? How do we tell him we're getting a divorce? Can this period be made easier for him? Tamás Vekerdy answered these questions, among others
It is typical in Hungary that we delay the communication of bad news, and even often try to deceive the children and ourselves with "good lies" - however, according to him, this is the worst possible scenario. In his presentation at the ÉVA Psyché Evening, Vekerdy pointed out the most important pillars of surviving a divorce and what are the typical mistakes that "divorce partners" tend to fall into.
According to Vekerdy, we Hungarians regularly lie to our children, while deceiving ourselves that this is in their best interest, but in this way we expose them to severe pressure.
“Divorce is hard to talk about, so men often have the idea of 'don't tell the child yet'. The woman often joins this game, and for a while they pretend that everything is fine. In a relationship, in a family, secrets are taboo because they destroy. Even if not on a conscious level, children sense that something is wrong, they feel the tension, and they don't know what to do with it. You have to be able to stand in front of the child and tell them honestly what is happening. Then, of course, the question arises, how?” – Tamás Vekerdy recently discussed the topic at the ÉVA Psychic Evening, how it is possible to go through a divorce in such a way that the children suffer as little as possible from this situation. The most popular section of the magazine, Psyche, came to life for the first time this year, and the central topics of the evening were relationships, marriage and divorce.
Tamás Vekerdy drew parents' attention to the fact that they should never lie to their children, and it's even best not to hide their emotions from them. It's not easy, but you have to tell them the bad news honestly. "You sat down - like the whole family together - and you can say, for example, that 'mom and dad really wanted to live together as a family, but unfortunately things didn't go as planned.' No need to lock yourself in the bathroom to cry after the child falls asleep. You have to express your emotions, you have to experience the pain, at the given moment, because crying together can be liberating," said the expert.
According to the expert, experiencing and releasing tension is also very important from a mental he alth point of view. He cited the temperamental nature of Italians as an example. "While we Hungarians prefer to suppress bad feelings for days, simmer within ourselves, and then vent about something completely different from the object of our anger, Italians immediately enter the discussion and voice their displeasure. This is also important from the children's point of view, of course it's not good to yell in front of them all the time, but it's still less destructive than when you can almost feel the tension in the air for days."
The psychologist also drew attention to the importance of congruent behavior, meaning that behavior and communication must be in sync. According to Vekerdy, it is best to say what we feel, in such sensitive situations as divorce, this should be kept in mind even more.
